My Gender and Pronouns
I'm Aster Fialla! I'm nonbinary and my personal pronouns are se/er [jump to usage].
What does that mean?
The binary genders are male and female. I’m neither a man nor a woman, and thus my gender is nonbinary. I am uncomfortable being referred to with many gendered terms of address, such as man/woman, wife/husband, Mr./Mrs., or boy/girl. Instead, when referring to me, please use gender-inclusive language such as person, partner, Mx., or enby.
As well, instead of using she/her or he/him pronouns, my personal pronouns are se/er.
Why are you telling me this?
Most people are uncomfortable when someone refers to them incorrectly, whether it be their name, title, gender, or pronouns. As well, it can be upsetting to realize that you’ve been referring to someone incorrectly. Imagine mistaking a Nurse Jeffrey for a Doctor Jennifer – a lot of confusion, hurt, and embarrassment might ensue for everyone involved!
The same goes for me. Since my gender is unique and not immediately obvious, it’s easier to clarify my pronouns right out of the gate so we can all avoid that confusion, hurt, and embarrassment.
How do I use se/er pronouns?
My full pronoun set is se/er/er/ers/erself. Se is pronouned like ‘see’ and er is just pronounced ‘er’.
Put together, that looks and sounds like this:
Can I have a more thorough explanation?
The idea behind my pronouns is that they’re like the ‘she/her’ pronoun set but without the ‘h’. The IPA for se/er is si/ɝ and the English dictionary notation is sē/ər. You use them in the third-person singular: ‘se is cool’, not ‘se are cool’.
| Part of Speech | Word | Usage |
|---|---|---|
| Subject pronoun | se | Se has pink hair. |
| Object pronoun | er | I like talking with er. |
| Possessive determiner | er | Er name is Aster. |
| Possessive pronoun | ers | That tablet is ers. |
| Reflexive | erself | This is a drawing of erself. |
My pronouns are known as neopronouns, with neo meaning new. Many neopronouns have existed since the 1970s, and one set in particular has existed since 1884 (wild!) [more info]. Mine are extra new since I made them myself! Turns out you can just do that, and the set resonates with me more than any other pronouns, as personal creations often do.
You're nonbinary, so why don't you use they/them pronouns?
Though many nonbinary people use they/them pronouns, not all do. To me, they/them pronouns have personal connotations of ambiguity, vagueness, and plurality* which do not align with my unique gender identity. Thus, just as she/her and he/him pronouns are incorrect for me, so too are they/them pronouns.
*Note that they/them pronouns do not inherently have these connotations! Do not assume that nonbinary people who use they/them pronouns have the same associations as mine; we’re all different.
Using se/er to refer to you is difficult/confusing/annoying. What do I do?
Practice! Listen to the audio and say the sample sentence above [link] over and over until you get used to the pronouns and associate them with me. If you feel so inclined, write sentences about me or talk about me when you’re alone. This is not completely out of vanity, I promise ;) It’s just good to get into the habit of using them naturally so we can all feel comfortable.
If you don’t want to use se/er pronouns to refer to me because you find the experience that difficult, confusing, or annoying, I get it. However, when I’m referred to incorrectly by someone I've told my pronouns, I find that experience difficult, confusing, and annoying, and I will not want to interact with you.
My language doesn’t have that pronoun. What do I do?
Unfortunately, not all languages allow for nonbinary pronouns and terms in the way English does. In your own language, please use non-gendered pronouns and terms whenever possible, and otherwise use feminine pronouns and terms. Make sure to refer to me with se/er pronouns and gender-inclusive language in English.
What if I mess up?
That’s fine! Everyone takes time to learn and adjust to new things. As long as you’re trying, I know you’re not being malicious when you make a mistake. If you use the wrong pronoun once or twice, repeat the sentence correctly and continue with what you were saying. If you repeatedly use the wrong pronouns over time, practice alone until you get the hang of it. No need to berate yourself or over-apologize if you mess up – just do better next time!
Many thanks to Echo Shine for the idea of a pronoun info page, as well as the format and much of the wording. Check out xer blog here: link